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I've just done a massive friends cut. If I've removed you, it's either because you never update, we never interact, or we have nothing in common (not ever, or not anymore). Or all of the above, or none of the above. Anyway. If I've removed you, please remove me as well. I like symmetry like that.


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Also, for those others who might stumble upon this here journal, still friends only. Not adding any more friends. If you're an exception, I'll let you know. (You're probably not.)

Goodbye, farewell, and amen.

**I've unlocked this post at the request of a few people. The rest of this journal is, and will remain, friends only.

Seems like lately I've had several people come to me with the whole "my friend/family member/coworker/etc. just had a preemie...what do I do?!" question. Since I feel that this is a very important question (important enough for italics, woo), I figured I'd compile a post that attempts to answer that question. I have several links for you (at least one of which I've contributed to) and then I'll give my own two cents at the end.

-How To Support Preemie Parents? - a question asked by a non-preemie parent to the preemies community. All the answers are top-notch. Some of the following links I nabbed from the answers in this post.

-The NICU Survival Guide - written for preemie/NICU parents, but a must-read for anyone who knows them, too. Gets you into our heads. Muy importante. (The same article is here - and the comments there are wonderful.)

If you read nothing else, read those first two links. Here are some more...

-What We Wish Our Family and Friends Knew... - list of input from parents on another forum, organized nicely into categories. Interesting and important to note that some of the input contradicts each other. People and situations are different.

-Understanding Preemie Parents Part 1 and Part 2 - just what it says. I especially like in part 2 where it talks about adjusting your expectations.

-I Can't Believe They Said That! - preemie parents vent about the stupid things people say. Don't say this shit. Really.

Now time for my own two cents? I won't say a lot, because most of what I'd say is already in the above in some form or another. I leave you with a list of my top pet peeves from when Samuel and Alli were in the NICU:

-Asking to be on the NICU visitor list. Dude, if you are on the list, I'll tell you. If you're not on the list, it's not personal. Parents and grandparents get top priority in my book. If you're not one of those, don't even consider it. Limited visitors = not you.
-"I just know he's going to be okay." No, you don't.
-"You're so strong; I could never do what you're doing." Doesn't help. Actually makes me feel like shit.
-Asking not to be shown pictures because you're afraid he'll look gross/scary/not real. Yes, I actually had more than one person tell me this or variations of this.
-"My second cousin twice removed was born at 23 weeks and now plays semi-pro basketball and graduated from Harvard Law. So your baby will be just fine!" Really. Does. Not. Help. It's amazing how many people surface who "know" former micropreemies with "no" lasting effects.

I'll stop there. I think you get the point. Feel free to ask questions. Or preemie parents, feel free to jump in with things I've neglected to link and/or say.

Edit: Decided to add some suggestions for gifts for new NICU parents, since I get asked that all the time. My own top five all-time best gifts to get new NICU/preemie parents:
1. Hand lotion. This usually must be unscented (NICU rules). It should be a kind for intensely dry skin. Your hands get absolutely destroyed - to the point of cracking and bleeding constantly - in the NICU from all the scrubbing you have to do with hospital soap and brushes. The best hand lotion I ever used is Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Hand Cream. I still use it, actually (because my hands go through hell for my job now, too). The good stuff is pretty expensive (though worth it!) so it's really great to get as a gift.
2. Gift cards! For gas especially, and for restaurants around the hospital (sit down or those that have carryout - and if they have both it's best, because sometimes you just can't handle going someplace and sitting down to a "dinner date"). This is especially nice for parents who live farther away, but was really appreciated by us too, even though we were in town. Driving downtown several times every day still takes a toll on your gas budget. iTunes gift cards are nice too. We played a lot of music for Samuel when he could tolerate it, and Mark's and my iPods got workouts for ourselves, too.
3. Disposable cameras. I know most everyone has digital now, but disposable cameras are super nice because the parents can leave them at the NICU and the nurses are usually really willing to take pictures of the baby when the parents aren't there. That really helps.
4. A cute reusable water bottle. Food and drink is not allowed in most NICUs, but moms who are pumping/breastfeeding are allowed to have water with them. (If food is allowed - you can contact the NICU to be sure - some easy, energy-rich snacks like trail mix and granola bars would be nice.)
5. Blankets - for the parents, not the baby (though baby blankets are nice too, and one of the few things that size doesn't matter with preemies). It can get chilly in the NICU, and you just sit there for several hours at a time.

Gifts not to give NICU/preemie parents:
-Baby clothes. Yeah, really, just don't. I know, I know. I'm a compulsive baby clothes buyer, too. But even the clothes made for "preemies" are meant for babies around 5 pounds. They are not going to fit the kid probably until he or she is ready to go home. And if that's still a few months away, that's just a kick in the teeth for the parents. Plus, NICU babies, especially micropreemies or those who are sick, can't wear regular clothes even if they'd fit, because there need to be special holes and velcro closures for all the lines and sensors and the need for quick access. Samuel was actually two months old before he was allowed to wear any sort of clothing at all, even the special NICU clothing. So, just don't.
-Any sort of baby book/pre-made baby scrapbook. Nothing that has "normal" milestones to note. A blank journal or empty photo album is much better if you want to do that sort of gift.
-Latex balloons. I don't remember if those are specifically prohibited by the hospital or not, but a lot of kids in the NICU have, or develop, severe latex allergies. All balloons are latex, except Mylar. Mylar balloons (the metallic helium ones) are fine to bring.

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This journal is 100% friends only. Add me, comment here, and I'll add you - unless I have absolutely no idea how you found me. I don't add people who find me on a random journal click. If you don't think I'll figure it out, give me a little explanation in the comment. I don't have the time or the patience for searching through your entire journal to figure out why you've added me.

Also? No comment, no adding. I don't check my userinfo regularly to see who's added me, so chances are I won't notice for months. Even if I do notice you've friended me, I won't add you unless you comment, because it really is quite easy to quickly read this small post and hit that 'comment' button. I'm not a comment whore - I won't get all pissed if you never comment on my entries again - I just don't like laziness.

Of course, I do reserve the right to refuse to add anyone, for any reason. My journal, my perogative.

Don't bother asking to be friended if you tYpE lYkE dIs!!!1111one The answer will be no.